Yo dont text me then not text me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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