Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
