took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
