My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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