So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
