whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
