Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
