She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So vagazzling was a success
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