walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
