Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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