I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
