she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
