I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
