Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
