I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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