I am spending my child support on dildos
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
