Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
what day is it and did you see me today?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
