dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
