its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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