I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
