Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
