Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
