Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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