Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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