Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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