the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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