I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
