the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
