Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
