and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
