dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
