My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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