Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
