I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
