Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
