Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
