areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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