enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize