My sheets look like a crime scene.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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