Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
