New low: just hacked my moms facebook
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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