Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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