K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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