The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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