Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well I just put wine in my tea
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
