She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
