just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
