Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
