im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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