Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i think im in europe. pls send help
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
