Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
